REGRET – DEPRESSION’S MISTRESS
My unhealthy addiction with regret & misery
All that I regret – everything that I am
Most people with depression also have regret. It’s part of the package. Personally, I cannot think of one day over the past 30+ years where I didn’t have moments of deep regret. I’ve often wondered if somehow I became addicted to regret? The few therapists that I’ve had over the years would say ‘no’. The professional medical world with regards to regret seems to think that it is part of the ‘destructive inner dialog’ associated with depression. Meaning, anyone suffering from the disease has an inherent negative dialog running in their head. The dialog runs most of the time. I can attest to the negative inner dialog, but how does that relate to regret?
What Dreams Should Have Come – I spend a large portion of each day wondering ‘what if?’. What if I had done things differently. What if I made better choices. What if I didn’t feel so lethargic all of the time and had the energy to accomplish my life goals… what if… The ‘what if’ spiral is all consuming. It’s like a dark deep lake full of everything that I want, hope and long to become or to accomplish in my life. This internal dialog eventually leads to regret.
I have tried to stop the ‘what if’ spiral, but it’s like my brain is pre-programmed to run the regretful thoughts and to generate negative feelings. Even on good days, when everything is going well, happy blue skies, birds chirping… sooner or later I’ll have a quiet moment and my brain will begin the ‘what if’ spiral. For some, constantly re-hatching past mistakes can be helpful. A constant reminder of what to avoid. For me (and others that suffer from depression) the constant reminder of past mistakes is paralyzing and prevents the possibility of a new or better outcome. I can actually watch it happen in real-time. A short example:
Prior to creating this blog I was unemployed for almost 5 months. I had all the time in the world to create this blog or accomplish any one of a hundred life goals. However, idle time is a regretful mind in the life of someone suffering from depression. Instead of being productive, I spent 5 months listening to the bully inside my head. I didn’t find the time to create this blog until after I found a new job. I knew and could tell that I was wasting 5 months, but it was like I had no power to change the pattern. For me, staying busy is the key to my survival and happiness. Downtime = feeling downtime.
My Internal Mind Spiral – Several years ago I tried an experiment. I waited for the spiral to begin and consciously worked to will myself out of the spiral. I was determined to beat the cycle of internal mental abuse. The moment came, I exerted my will and the end result was a panic attack?? What the #$#@!!? The next day I decided to try again. I assumed the panic attack was a ‘one-off’ reaction. I waited and again exerted, an even more determined, will to change the negative cycle in my mind. I was ardent and my resolve was firm! I didn’t have a panic attack, but I eventually found myself in an even darker place. Somehow exerting my will against the demons in mind, pushed me into a new and even darker place. Good times.
It took about a week to feel ‘my version of normal’ again. I did some research, talked to a few mental health professionals and found the flaw in my plan. I didn’t have a ‘tool’ to help me overcome my internal mind spiral (btw, that was another option for a website name ‘my internal mind spiral’). I was reminded of something that I already knew. The human mind cannot process 2 different thoughts at the exact same time. Meaning, if you force your mind to focus on something positive, the negative is automatically turned off, but… you must continue the positive or the negative will come right back. In my attempts, I lacked the discipline or training to continually focus my mind on something positive. My mind naturally or instinctively focuses on the negative (i.e I suffer from depression).
My Solution (Sort of) – I call it a temporary fix because, at least so far, it is not permanent. I use learning. No, seriously I do. For me it works. Here is the basic idea; you find something that interests you and is also intellectually stimulating. It needs to be something that holds your attention and creates new neural pathways in your brain (i.e. learning or experiencing something new). For me it is learning about music and technology. This process helps in 2 ways; 1. It distracts our mind, plus over time, retrains our minds to expect positive thoughts instead of the negative garbage that usually plagues us. 2. It creates new neural pathways and remaps our brains. Basically, we end up with brains that are more like normal peoples brains and not hard-wired to attack us mentally and emotionally. This solution helps both short term and long term. It requires planning and focus, but it does work. For me, this blog is part of that process. When I feel the spiral begin, I either launch a web class (I like Udemy) or log into my blog and write something. Both seem to work well.
Depression doesn’t go away on its own. It won’t ‘just go away with time’. We have to push it away. We have to battle the monster and save ourselves. Medicine and therapy can help, but ultimately we have to save ourselves. So dig in, get a plan and go to war! If you are unsure about how to begin, shoot me an email and I’ll do what I can to help.
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There’s not a single person on earth who doesn’t get hit by depression at some point in their lives. Even the happiest people can be hit with this condition, albeit temporarily. Their secret? It’s in the conscious replacement of the depressing thought with something that is more pleasant. So, you’re right. It’s all about learning not to give in to the pull of depression.
Everything needs to be worked at and depression inclusive, so yes depression wouldn’t just go away we need to work at it and get the very best out of it.
It can be difficult escaping the negative thoughts associated with depression. Finding something intellectually stimulating to occupy the mind can help a great deal.
I find your article very insightful. Rather than give in to depression it’s better to fight it as much as we can even though it’s never easy.
There was a time I was under depression and apart from isolation and I had a lot of regret. I felt like I had messed up my life and accomplished nothing. It was a terrible feeling.
Regret is part of being human but it can lead to depression. Depression is a serious medical condition that needs to be adressed and should be given same attention like physical health.
Nice article.. Fighting the demon called depression is the way to go..everybody feels down at some point.. Their are times I just feel like leaving this planet..everything would seem bad…I just allow this phase to pass…after some time,I bounce back to my normal self..I guess we all can’t have that happy feeling all the time
I commend you for actively trying to beat your depression and seeking help. I agree that learning and keeping your mind occupied is a good way to distract yourself from negative thoughts. I find making reminders too that you’re trying your best and giving yourself a pat on the back is also very healing. Forgiving yourself from regrets and sadness to me is a huge step forward.
i really enjoy your tips here. and yeah i have regrets in life and i am thankful i found ways to not let it affect me so much nowadays. thank you for sharing your story
I can attest to this. As I said before, with my mom having this. She either recalls all her short comings even as far as her childhood. Either that or she keeps on apologizing??? Anyway Depression can do that to you. I saw it first hand.
Yep, I’ve seen that too :/
Depression is still very much real and until we find a better remedy for it, it will remain a huge issue for us. Talking to someone that cares can help relieve the stress that comes with depression.
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