Why Do People With Depression Want To Be Alone?
Isolation is our best friend and our worst enemy
The Lonely Truth About Depression
For most who suffer from depression, being alone is preferred, but being lonely is not. This sounds like a contradiction and the truth is even stranger. First, being alone is not a choice. It’s more of a defense mechanism. Even stranger still, we feel lonely in our chosen isolation. Then why choose to be alone?
If I had to guess, this is probably the single most confusing and frustrating question for those trying to live with and support a victim of depression. Personally, I’ve had more grief over my need to be alone than almost anything else. My significant other has a very hard time understanding my need for isolation and then my pain for feeling lonely. It is a confusing self-inflicted wound that never fully heals.
The Victim – A Story of Exhaustion
Let me begin by explaining the need for isolation. Try to imagine a mind that never stops attacking. A flood of negative thoughts with no relief. Imagine living like that for weeks and months. Try to imagine how exhausted, worn down and helpless you would feel. Imagine being so tired and listless that even the idea of a conversation is beyond your ability. Any external interaction is out of the question. It’s just too much. You can barely hang on to your sanity. If you can begin to understand how this might feel, then you will also begin to understand the need for isolation. The need for isolation is not social anxiety or a hate for all people. The need for isolation is a need to avoid any/all external stimulus that we cannot control. It is a default survival instinct. It is more than just avoiding extra noise or activity around us. When everything inside feels like it is spinning out of control, we need an environment that we can control. We need to feel safe and in control. It’s all about control or the lack of it.
The irony is that by avoiding people, we actually limiting our ability to overcome the negative dialog in our minds. I hate this fact, but studies have shown again and again that consistent social interaction (and no, social media on your phone or other device does NOT count) strengthens our ability to fight stress and other negative influences. Here is one of the dozens of articles on the subject:
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_social_connection_the_best_path_to_happiness
In short, the survival instinct to be alone and avoid further stimulus is actually counterproductive. However, telling someone that suffers from depression: “hey I read a study that says you should be with people to be happy”, won’t work either. Change like this will take a LOT of time. Gently suggest a link or email them an article and let them come to their own conclusion. Pestering and nagging DOESN’T EVER WORK. EVER. Most people that suffer from depression will accept a kindly suggestion as long as it is not ‘guilt-ed’ at them. We have enough guilt as is.
The need for isolation creates a very lonely life. People suffering from depression don’t want to be lonely, but we don’t have the energy to finds friends or to be social. Yes, if we summon the energy to begin, the resulting activity will give us the energy to continue, but the concept of beginning to try is almost impossible to fathom when you’re in the grips of depression. In general, I still hate socializing. It’s exhausting. I enjoy it to a degree, but only for an hour or so. If I were certain that socializing would last for about an hour, then end; I would socialize more often (there is a hint there).
My Solution & Friendly Suggestion
If you are a sufferer or a loved one trying to help, plan social activities with a limited duration. No more than an hour. You can build up from there. A quick dinner ‘out’ (not at home, those can last forever) or meet for a movie. I like the movies. You meet up and talk for a bit, then disappear in the dark loveliness of the movie theater. You still get to talk a little bit after the movie, then go home. I’m sure there are a ton of other ideas that would work, but those are my go to’s. I have a friend that loves to go to Home Depot and walk around. She says it’s the perfect blend of ‘alone, but with other people’. So whatever floats your boat, just try something. I’m sitting in a Starbucks right now typing this post! Step by little step (OH NO! Someone just sat right next to me!! NOOO!!).
I would love some suggestions for short social activities. Please post them in your comments below! Thank you!
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I believe in life no matter how introverted we are, it will be a good thing to have a friend, someone we can actually relate on a personal level. Going for shows, social gatherings and functions can help us mingle with people.
Depression is a serious mental disease that needs treatment. Depressed person tends to be isolated and we need to help them.
I get the occasional bouts of depression too. Not as bad as you I’m sure, but still.
It’s really a contradiction about wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. I’ve had my own bouts of wanting to be alone. I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded and loved by friends who know my need to be alone. On the other hand, there are relatives who see it as some kind of weird disease. Sometimes I feel like there’s really no middle ground.
This made a nice read and informative too. I think depressed people should just seek help and people to talk to.
Thanks for this wonderful post. I suffer depression and I have the need to be alone like you mentioned, I’ll follow your advice and will plan activities with friends that involve short periods of time this way I can feel less fatigue.
It’s an interesting contradiction. Going to a concert or a baseball game might be a good activity because you can exert your attention elsewhere. Going to meals with a bunch of people may work as well because you can focus on eating and let the others converse. I think letting people know about your condition is a good way for them to better accommodate your needs. Like you said, too much time alone will cause you to dwell too hard in your own thoughts without any real solution or release. I wish you all the best in coping with your illness and think it was very brave to post and describe what you are feeling.
Hmm, yes that might work for some folks, but large crowds don’t work for me.
True. Depression is very frustrating. I was once depressed and I remember just wanting to be a lone, but then i couldn’t sleep at night. It was like something was tormenting me. Thank God I’m over it.
Depression is a mental illness. I hope that anyone who feels extremely sad seek help, and know that they’re not alone.
Well, actually it is a disease. The ‘mental’ part is a side effect of the disease. 😀
Depressed people need help.They should seek help from a qualified medical personnel..
Strange a friend and I just talk about this very topic!!!In any case, it is now time to give depression a respect it deserves. This is a condition that is nothing to be laughed at.
Life is full of challenges and we need to overcome them or learn to live with them. Complicating our stay leads to stress and later depression, which is not a good thing.
This is moving!!Love reading the entire article.
As tempting as it feels to want to be alone during depression, it indeed does have some negative effects. It’s best to share the burden with loved ones.
Mostly, I agree. There are a few times when isolation is better than ‘sharing’, lol… 😀
I do agree with your article. Isolation during depression only makes things worse.
It is a vicious cycle. If you are depressed and surrounded by people (family) that put you down or ostracize you for feeling depressed or make you feel worse- then, well OF COURSE you don’t want to be anywhere near them. Being alone and depressed is sometimes better than being around others that multiply the feelings of feeling out of sorts. I would rather be around strangers who don’t judge me than my own family sometimes. When I am ready to join the world- I do it on my terms and when I am ready.
Yep, I feel that. A LOT.
Can I just say what a comfort to find somebody who truly understands what theyre talking about on the net. You certainly understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. A lot more people really need to look at this and understand this side of the story. I cant believe youre not more popular because you definitely possess the gift.
Everything is very open with a clear clarification of the issues. It was truly informative. Your website is very useful. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for your blog, nice to read. Do not stop.
Thank you!