One of the first decisions that I made when I resolved to create this blog was to be anonymous. There are many reasons. I can be truly free without my name attached to these writings. My family and friends aren’t ready to fully embrace my disease. Most of them just think I am ‘kinda low at times’. I’ve had a troubled life, so my depressed behavior seems fairly normal to most of them. I’m ok with that for now.
Also, on the extremely rare chance that this blog becomes popular, I do not want to my deeply personal confessions hemmed to my identity. I would like to keep my life as normal as possible. Whatever ‘normal’ means.
I need to feel safe here. I need to feel free to share my deepest emotions, fears, and pain. This is my safe harbor from the storms of my life. I can breathe a little when I write on these digital pages. This space is my hope for a better me, unburdened and honest. To the digital crawlers and content searchers, I will simply be ‘author’. To you, I hope to be a friendly voice in the storms raging in your life.
Every breaking wave on the shore
Tells the next one “there’ll be one more”
Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is
To live without intimacy
The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
The same place that yours has been
~ U2
I am a sufferer of the disease known as depression. I’ve been struggling with this disease for several decades. My life with depression has been a constant battle. My situation has improved, but it took a very long time to see the results of my efforts.
I grew up in a broken home and under fairly poor conditions by local social standards. It was common to go without a meal from time to time and sleeping out in elements wasn’t unusual. My father was hard and emotionally abusive. The world around me didn’t make sense. I spent most of my childhood afraid, confused and feeling alone. My mother did her best, but looking back I can see that she was dealing with her own depression. I assumed my depressed feelings were a result of my family environment and living conditions. Perhaps they are.
Years later when I had every reason to be happy and content, I wasn’t. I had a good marriage and a good life. That should have been enough, but it wasn’t and I struggled to stay happy and upbeat. I assumed that I had some unresolved feelings about my childhood. So I looked into counseling. After several doctors visits and a few therapists, I was diagnosed with depression. Back then, the standard protocol was to prescribe a series of drugs at various doses. The drugs were a disaster and made things worse. Over time I weaned myself off of the drugs and began to find alternative solutions and treatments.
Back then, depression wasn’t a disease. Depression was considered a mental illness. Or worse, you ‘just needed to pull yourself out of it and wake up!’. Medical insurance had a hard time paying for ‘mental illness’ back then. Trips to my family doctor were covered, but trips to a therapist or psychiatrist were not. A person had to become the ward of the state to get the care they needed, but even then, they were more likely to get some extreme therapy rather than the counseling or other treatment that they truly needed. So I kept my problems to myself and pushed forward as best I could.
This went on for a couple of decades before I decided to find something better. I eventually found an acupuncturist that helped me understand my mind and body in a completely new light. For the first time, I understood how diet and exercise could affect my mind and body. I also found Tai Chi and later Yoga. I finally had a way to combat my illness and it started to work.
About this same time, some new ‘claiming to be improved’ drugs to treat depression were becoming available. Under my family doctor’s care, I tried one of the new drugs (I won’t list the drug because it does work for some folks). My reaction was strongly negative. I fell into the deepest and darkest depression of my life. I felt completely out of control and lost. After a few months, I weaned myself off of the drug, but the effects remained. It was like a part of my brain was wired wrong and wouldn’t reset. I tried my acupuncturist, a very nice therapist, and a few other options, but nothing seemed to help. Not even a little. I was stuck and felt helpless. I became the darkness, and it was hard to find any light in my life.
Life went on that way for several years. I just kinda lived with it (sadly, some of you know exactly what I mean). Then, out of the blue, I had a nasty reaction to an over-the-counter drug that almost killed me. As a result, I began having panic attacks. Now I had extreme depression punctuated by bouts of severe panic attacks. Honestly, I thought I might lose my mind. I went to my family doctor looking for anything to help. I think she saw the desperation in my eyes. Luckily, I found a drug that worked. Xanax was my temporary solution. I later learned that the panic attacks were a result of post-traumatic stress disorder caused by the near-fatal allergic reaction. After a few years the panic attacks calmed down and I was able to wean myself off of the Xanax.
These days my life is a mixed bag of good days and bad days. Sometimes I wake up angry. Sometimes I sleep in as late as I can because I have no energy. Then, sometimes I wake up happy and excited for a new day. Some days depression controls me and other days I control my depression. It is a constant tug of war between the light and dark inside of me. I prefer the light, but I don’t always get what I want. I still use a combination of alternative treatments to battle the disease. My fight continues to this day.
For me, this blog is a diary and rant against depression. I have no idea if it will help, but I already feel a little better and that’s worth something. I’ll try to keep my personal ‘black hole of never-ending despair and misery’ dogma to a minimum. However, I would love you to hear your ‘black hole of never-ending despair and misery’ stories. I want this blog to be a helpful resource for all things depression. I encourage humor as well. Expect large doses to humor along the way. I love memes about depression! Send me your memes peeps!
I would love for this blog to become a community. I am open to granting editor access, posting stories sent via email, linking to FB posts, backlinking to other blogs about depression, etc… Whatever people need to feel heard and noticed. I understand what it means to feel alone and to feel like you are fighting blind. My hope is that by sharing our stories, struggles, and pain, we might help others fight, and ultimately, to survive the disease we call depression.
Thank you so much for stopping by,
~ The Author
